It has been 2 years since my wonderful Mom left mortality.
Countless times I’ve wanted to talk to her so very much to tell her about
things that are going on in my life and getting advice. I know she is still
near (I've felt her spirit many times), but certainly it is not the same. So many times I’ve needed her. I don’t
know how she (and my grandma) battled cancer for so long. She was in her late
forties into early fifties way, way too young. Now I’m facing the same thing at
32 and have been for a year. I have been blessed, but like my oncologist said
I’ll be going through a lot of chemo regiments in the future. No fun in deed.
Did I sign up for this? It is said amongst my family members that we were too
busy talking in the pre existence when we seemed to of accept this gene mutation. Anyhow, I miss my Mom so very
much, but so grateful I’ll be able to see her again.
I’m sure no one cares, but this
entry is more for me to get my frustrations out…
I would love to be able to have 3
children, the whole idea of not being able to be pregnant again, to experience
the birth of a miracle child and to hear the sound of a newborn baby cry makes me
sad. I’ve known for almost a year now, when I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast
cancer that I won’t be able to have any more children, but come January 18th
it will completely finalize the whole idea. I found out last week that I need a
hysterectomy. A "lesion" the size of a tennis ball is on my right ovary, there is
also something on my left ovary that isn’t as big and the surgeon said to take
everything out. I’m confused as to how my surgeon saw a tennis ball and my
oncologist and OB/GYN saw something that is a millimeter in size. I know my surgery last year was necessary, but part of me wonders if my surgery in 6 days is necessary since they don't know exactly what it is. Guess I'm just making excuses on how to get out of it.
I must say how grateful I am to
have 2 wonderful children, one boy and one girl and each day I appreciate them
more and more and count my many blessings. I still say “what if?” Looking back
it was so obvious and I should have been especially cautious since my family is
cancer over achievers.
2 comments:
I love that picture of you and your mom!
Remember that it's your health and if you feel you need a second opinion about the hysterectomy then get one!
I can relate to your feelings about "only" being able to have two kids. That is most likely how many we will be able to have and I sympathize with how you feel. It does make me try to be more grateful for the two beautiful children that I have and to try to be a better mother to them.
Even though I'm not in your ward anymore, I would still love to help you out with the kids or food or whatever if you do have surgery next week.
Kim, I'm so glad you are writing on your blog your updates. I think you and your children will want to look back on this and see all that you have overcome. I don't blame you for being sad about so much. Whenever I have major anxiety about you and missing mom I just keep hearing, "Be still, and know that I am God." I have to keep reminding my self, "Be Still, my soul the Lord is on thy side..." I repeat that song to myself every day. Also I was just reading about how Joseph Smith taught that, "all our losses will be made up to us in the ressurection..." I will email you the talk. That talk give me a lot of comfort. I love you and I can't wait to see you soon.
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