Been awhile so it's a long one

Today my wonderful mom would have been 54 years old. She has been on my mind a lot lately especially since my radiation treatments started last Thursday (Today was treatment 5 of 25 I go in 5x a week till May 4th though it takes less than 10 minutes start to finish with the radiation part taking less than a minute it is very repetitive. Hard chemo starts in May so I’m sure once that gets started I’ll be wishing for radiation instead) I know without a doubt that my mom is there for me. I have felt her spirit several times including during my doctor appointments I am grateful for this, but it never seems to be enough. My mom and I have gone through a lot of similar trials and I have counted on her so many times for advice because I know she is aware of what I am going through. Currently there isn’t anything I would love more than to talk to her about this whole cancer experience. I wonder at times if my mom can do more for me beyond the veil than on Earth. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me as he does for all of his children and I do have the faith that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to it always does.

“Dearest children, God is near you, Watching o'er you day and night,

And delights to own and bless you, If you strive to do what's right.

He will bless you, He will bless you,

If you put your trust in him.”

There have been times in my life where certain Hymns have “spoken out” to me “Be Still My Soul” is the first song that comes to my mind when I think of such songs. “Dearest Children, God is Near You” is a Hymn sung at church recently suddenly when the first line began I choked up and couldn’t sing. It was only the first verse that impacted me and it hit hard with all the things that are going on in my life right now. People keep asking me how I’m emotionally feeling and truthfully the breast cancer doesn’t bother me what bothers me more than anything is finding myself depending on other people with child care and other such things. Since I was a little girl I was always the “I can do it myself” kind of person. Even with limited use in my right hand I can do things that amaze people. Every day Emeline will ask me “where am I going when I wake up?” referring to who’s house is she going to, to be babysat. I think she’s surprised on the days I tell her I don’t have an appointment. Truthfully I think that this is good for her because she gets to play with kids from church (not so good for me.) My doctor said that I have an interesting family medical history. I’ve heard this before several times. He also said (I think) the first positive thing I’ve heard since my diagnosis. I was told that my cancer must be slow growing since I had it 5+ months without knowing it and it has only metastasized to my spine. However I’m not sure how a tumor that is very aggressive could be slow growing. A random story about Emeline happened when she was talking to herself and said something about getting Dr. Zhang’s card. Dr. Zhang (pronounced Zen) is my oncologist and I ask myself how in the world does she know my doctors name?